Tomato Plants and Second Chances

The small tomato plant was broken and looked hopeless.  It probably is.  Only time will tell.  But as my wife and I considered whether to plant it in the freshly tilled soil or to toss it aside, I commented, “Let’s give it a chance”.  Everybody deserves a second chance, even a broken tomato plant.  It was a Juliet tomato plant, so I began to refer to it as Juliet.  Yeah, I know that’s weird, but whatever.  If you refer to a previous blog, you’ll know that I didn’t even want to plan this garden.  But, after spending a couple of hours tilling the fifteen by thirty plot, I figured I might as well make the best of it.  Because despite my insistence that she not, my daughter had gifted us with tomato, pepper, broccoli and cabbage plants.  Not wanting to be wasteful, they are now planted.

But as I thought about Juliet, the tomato, plant, I though about second chances, the many I have been given and hopefully, some that I have given to others.  Life can be difficult and sometimes our choices, words or actions put us in a position of needing a measure of grace from others.

Don’t mistake what I’m saying for naiveté.  There are bad people in this world who have shown by their actions that they no longer deserve the benefit of a doubt.  Some truly need to be punished or disciplined for their actions and some need to be put away for a long time.  They may have had a multitude of chances, or I’m just convinced that barring a work of God’s grace in their lives, they simply will not change.  I have not had many dealings with those kinds of people.  Most of the ones that I encounter simply need an attitude adjustment or to wake up on the right side of the bed.

I’m talking about that person who just messed up.  The person who said something he shouldn’t have, who knows it and feels guilt and remorse over it.  I’m talking about that person who borrowed money or something from my garage and simply does not remember it or have the wherewithal to repay it.  I’m referring to that person who, under some kind or personal pressure, stress, grief or for whatever reason, did something foolish, hurtful, or costly, but who now knows better and needs a chance to get it right.

Giving someone a second chance involves forgiveness.  I have been forgiven much so I should forgive much.  As a matter of fact, Jesus makes it clear that I am to forgive freely and often.  When he said to forgive seventy times seven, I don’t think he meant for me to keep a ledger and forgive only a specific number of times.  No. I think he clearly meant unlimited forgiveness.

I have heard people say that we are instructed to forgive but not commanded to forget.  That’s true enough, I suppose.  I would agree that forgiveness does not pretend that something never happened.  Nor does it suggest that we should be emotional punching bags or surrender our common sense for people who, for whatever reason, simply return to the doors of our life and knock incessantly.  In those instances, it may be best to let them know that you’ve forgiven them, but you’re not going to open that door to your own emotional well-being.  In other words, “It’s been nice knowing you; you’re forgiven; now goodbye and get on with your life.”

I’m not a psychologist, but it seems to make good sense to put up barriers between ourselves and those people who constantly do hurtful things.  We don’t owe them our well-being, only our forgiveness.  Now where that forgiveness leads in your relationship, you will have to decide.  And you’ll have to decide how high that barrier needs to be.  I’m not going to let my tomato plant Juliet occupy that space in my garden indefinitely.  At some point, I need to see evidence of improvement, or I’m going to gently pluck her from my garden.  I realize that’s a really bad analogy, but it’s what comes to mind at the moment.

As much as I hate to admit it, I have said things to people that were inappropriate or downright rude.  I’m ashamed of much of it and regret all of it.  There were times it was necessary to be stern, but that did not justify my rudeness or ugliness.  I’ve had to apologize and hope to have a second chance to prove that I’m a better person that I was at that moment.  As a matter of fact, I’ve had to apologize so much that I’m getting pretty good at it.

My mentor in business, George Petty taught me a needed lesson about second chances.  I’ll always remember the day I thought he was wrong to meddle in something I was working on (even though he was my boss) and told him so in no uncertain terms in front of other people.  An hour or so later, he called me to his office.  I just knew I was about to get fired or severely reprimanded.  “Close the door and have a seat, please”, he said.  I sat down, still angry and stared at him, ready for the confrontation.  All he said was, “What did I do to deserve that?”  I felt about two feet tall, if that.  “Nothing, George”, I said, my ego deflated and my bravado gone.  “You did nothing, and my actions were completely uncalled for.  I apologize”.  I waited for his response.  “Thank you for your apology.  I know and I hope you know, you’re better than that”.  Meeting over.

There have been times I’ve said “I’m done” with someone.  I’ve said it about family members.  I’ve said it about friends.  I have even said it about clients who I thought were insensitive, impatient, demanding, or too slow to pay their bill.  Of course, I have expected, and received second chances when I’ve been guilty of all those same things.  I am blessed to have an office manager who is a better person than me, who on more than one occasion has run interference and kept me from making a royal blunder.

My kids have given me more second chances than I deserve.  I’ve given them a few as well, but that’s what parents do.  But I’ve some real goofball things along the way and really needed a do-over.  To the server at the restaurant on our way to a family vacation some twenty-five years ago, when I suggested that you had made a bad career choice, that was rude.  My daughter still remembers that to this day.  I would love to apologize to that person.  But my daughter understands second chances and still goes out to eat in public with my wife and me.  I really blew it with my oldest son at Opryland and although I still carry around a level of guilt about being a real jerk, he still hangs out with me and seems to enjoy my company.  My youngest son could tell you about the time he picked a restaurant that looked like a service station.  I prematurely gave my opinion of the restaurant and his decision making.  The restaurant turned out to be great.  Fortunately, today, we can laugh about my childish actions.  Again, it’s about second chances.

How about it?  Are you harboring ill will over something that is not worth the negative energy?  Is there someone who at one time deserved your wrath, but did not deserve a life sentence of your ill will?  I don’t want to sound preachy, but having been on both ends of these situations has taught me that life is too short to cling to some things.  The burden is too heavy on everybody, including innocent bystanders.   The energy drain is too extensive.  There’s too much good to dwell on.  As Jimmy Buffett once sang, “Yesterday’s over my shoulder, so I can’t look back for too long.  There’s just too much to see, waiting in front of me, and I know that I just can’t go wrong.”

I’m hopeful that Juliet will thrive after receiving a second chance.  If not, then I still did all I could do.  I gave her a second chance.  How about you?  Is there a Juliet in your life who you need to grant a second chance?  Someone who only needs your approval to thrive? If you need to talk it out, then talk it out.  If you need to simply drop it, then drop it.  Either way, wouldn’t you like to forget about it and move on?   Sometimes a poor memory just might be a blessing.