Musings on Civility

As you and I age, it seems to become more and more our nature to reflect on how things used to be.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe we just have more to remember than when we were younger.  And sometimes those memories, or at least our recollections seem to contradict each other.  We can go on and on about the “good old days” and only seconds later tell our children and grandchildren about how much harder we had it than they do today.  That may sound like a contradiction, but it really isn’t.  Both are true.  There is plenty of good to remember about when life was simpler and, in many ways better.  Nostalgia seems to err on the side of good memories either by choice or subconsciously.  But it is also true that time were harder.  For many, work was harder, at least from a physical standpoint.  The conveniences of today were unheard of or were no more than the result of a vivid imagination expressed in a science fiction novel or a Dick Tracy cartoon.

Our recollections of the better days gone by share common themes.  Life was less stressful, or at least that’s how we remember it.  Families stayed together, until we realize that they often didn’t.  Right and wrong were more clearly defined, except when we discover later that people may have simply been more discreet.  How many of these observations are true and how many are simplistic generalities that constitute a wish list for a simpler life today?  Hard question to answer.  It’s a fun conversation, but it’s way too subjective to insist that everything was as rosy (or as bad) as we remember.

I have my own list of things that have changed, and, at the risk of sounding my age, I think that many of those changes are not for the better.  I enjoy the technological advances, and I appreciate the modern conveniences, and view these changes as positive.   I don’t want to go back to telephone party lines, television antennas and outdoor plumbing.  On the other hand, I lament the busyness of today, the loss of community spirit and other areas that I refer to as virtue and attitude.  This covers a broad range of topics, but one that specifically troubles me more and more is what I view as a loss of civility, or simple respect and courtesy.  And maybe the word loss is a bit extreme.  Maybe a better way of saying it is that I see less civility, respect and understanding than what I remember over the course of my life.

Let’s look at a few areas where this might be true.  We’ll start with television news and commentary.  While the two have traditionally separate, the lines have become blurred.  News is no longer simply reporting events.  It’s more about others interpreting the news for us.  Much of this is due to the flood of news and information we experience with multiple news channels across the digital dial and the internet.   This competition for our ears and time seems to have resulted in a different news mindset at the local and national level. I remember when you could hear the news and generally trust it to be unbiased, whatever your political persuasion.  And, when we did hear other viewpoints, we understood that they were opinions and we were open to the notion that the person was sincere and that we might actually learn something. It was more often than not expressed with a civil tone, without anger or malice.  It doesn’t feel that way anymore.  And this is true across the political spectrum.  And there really was a time when we could hear different viewpoints without feeling personally insulted or challenged, but it seems as if today, these views are expressed and received with anger and attitude.

Is this a cause or a result of what we see and hear in the political realm?  What happened to the days when our leaders could express their viewpoints and convictions and still demonstrate civility and courtesy toward those of different persuasions?  One party didn’t hate the other and there was a willingness to negotiate a compromise and work with those who had different ideas.  I can remember the days when Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neill could debate and argue their positions on the issues in private and public and at the end of the day, remain friends.  No doubt there were personal attacks, but they were not the norm, nor were they necessarily vicious and hateful.  There were lines of civil discourse that no one dared (or wanted) to cross.  Now our leaders seem to believe the worst about each other and are convinced that everyone has a hidden agenda.  And to compromise for the common good is viewed as a sign of weakness, or a lack of allegiance to one’s political party. This is not a partisan commentary because this problem pervades both sides of the proverbial aisle.

And it’s not just in the halls of government.  We seem to have experienced a change of attitude in our job places, our communities and our cities.  At the risk of sounding completely negative, it just seems that we all are a little too self-absorbed and determined to defend our viewpoints and our rights even if it means we have to be rude and offensive to others.  How dare anyone say anything that is not consistent with my views and convictions.  Too often a different viewpoint is viewed as an attack on what we hold dear and we are quick to rush to defend it, at any cost.  We seem to listen to what is said and compare it with what we are convinced is right, rather than listening to understand what the other person is saying with a willingness to consider that they may be right.

This is not to suggest that we should not be people of convictions.  Obviously, we should.  But we should also be willing to listen and reconsider our positions.  Now I admit that there are places where there is little or no room for compromise.  I have core beliefs and so do you.  And there are some things where I can’t consider an alternative viewpoint because it conflicts with the dictates of my faith and conscience.  You have those too and we should respect those.

But everything does not fall into that category.  There are some things about which I hold strong convictions simply because I was taught that or always believed it.  Those are the areas where I can at least listen.  We can disagree on tax policy without demeaning each other as being less American.  We can discuss certain elements of our faith without treating each other like a pariah.  We can certainly cheer for our football team without a hateful attitude towards the fans of other teams.  Roll Tide!

The Scriptures tell us to get along with all men and women as much as is humanly possible.  We are also admonished to avoid offending others with our actions, even when those actions may not in and of themselves be wrong.  In Philippians 2, the apostle Paul shares a discourse on how much we should value others.  He says we should consider them more important than ourselves.  That sounds radical because we simply don’t see it in practice and it goes completely against our nature.  If I put a higher value on you and a lesser one on me, I will not be as easily offended and I might find that you’re not as bad as I originally thought.  I will be kinder to you.

I think social media has contributed to this problem.  I’m not saying that social media is a bad thing.  I’m simply saying that if we struggle in areas of our life, we can wind up sharing our frustrations, our bad experiences, our hurt feelings and our anger to a mass of people who don’t know us that well, who don’t know the context of our bad experience, or who (and I know this will shock you), simply don’t care.  On the other hand, it feeds the negative emotions of others and soon you can find yourself sparring online with someone you don’t even know or embracing the accolades or sympathy of those who agree with you.  And at the end of the day, you’re no better for it and likely worse for the wear.

What’s the answer to this lack of civility?  Is it a real problem, or am I overstating the issue?  If it’s real, what can I do about it?  Well, I have to first realize that I have to begin with me.  I have to be brutally honest and evaluate my motives and my attitudes.  Do I understand that my role is to serve others, or do I think that others exist to serve me?  Do I understand that life is not always fair and that the success of others is their blessing and not my curse?  My life is not diminished by the good things in the life of another.

Do I understand that there are some things that are opinions and only opinions, even on matters of importance?  Or do I think that every question or problem has to be viewed or addressed through the lens of my views or the filter of my beliefs?

How does this look in everyday life?  Maybe I need to be a little kinder to that person at the drive-through when my order is wrong or delayed.  Maybe I need to say thank you a little more often.  Could I leave a little larger tip to that server at the restaurant even when the service is a little less that what I expect?  I don’t know what’s going on in the life of that person.  Will I add to their troubles, or will I be a source of encouragement?

Can I be a little more patient with that person who truly annoys me.  As my friend Steve McAlister once said, “if someone annoys you, just remember that you are the source of annoyance in someone else’s life.”  That’s a little humbling because I know it’s true.  At least it’s true in my life.

I can begin by simply being a little kinder to those of my own household and family.  Sometimes our expectations of those we care most about are unreasonable and unfair.  We expect perfection but plead for grace when we are the offensive party.  I can strive to come home after a difficult day at work and recognize that I may not be the only one under my roof who has had a hard day.

Ultimately, it has be to be less about me and more about others.  If I can learn to value others as much or more than I value myself, I will be more civil.  I will treat them with the same kindness which I expect from them.  I can speak softly to them just as I expect others to speak softly with me.  I can offer a friendly smile or a helping hand, knowing that I desire those same things.  That sounds a lot like the Golden Rule doesn’t it?  Wisdom from more than two thousand years ago is just as valid and timely today.  You know, I could have saved a lot of words and just quoted our Lord himself.  “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”.

Make it a priority to be kind to someone today. Oh, and thank you.