It’s good to have friends. We all need them. Right?
But what exactly is a friend? What is your definition? Are there multiple levels of friendship? Who decides who is a friend and who isn’t? Lots of questions. Fewer answers. And at the end of the day, does it really matter? That’s another question.
I think about this sometimes, probably too much. And I’m likely giving way too much thought to the question. My brain usually takes me here under one of two circumstances, either when I have been given much needed support from my friends, or when I’m annoyed ever so slightly with one of my friends. And I sometimes get annoyed for silly reasons. It also probably reflects my unrealistic expectations of others, expectations that are higher than what I think they should expect of me. Yes, I sometimes operate under a double standard. Guilty as charged.
Still, we use the term “friend” so freely that it becomes watered down and fails to give proper honor or credit to true friends. We refer to acquaintances as friends. If we attend the same church with someone, we call them our friend. If we exchange pleasantries on Facebook, we call them friends. If we have worked or served in some capacity with them, we call them friends. If they are a friend of a friend, we call them friends.
Maybe we need a word for that person who falls between being an acquaintance and a friend. We could use a term that recognizes their importance in our life, while at the same time, not creating the same expectations that we might have of a close friend. I told you I was overthinking this.
I’m convinced I have four, maybe five close friends. It may be that you have more. These are the people who know me, who understand me, and who care about me, as I do them. I’m not naming them, but they know who they are.
These are the people I could ask for money, and they’d give it, no questions asked. (If you’re one of the four, you can relax. I won’t be asking for a loan today.) These would be the first ones to show up at my door, or at least call, if I was sick or injured. These are the few who will truly pray for me when they say they will. They’re also the ones who will challenge and correct me when I need it. These are the people who want to spend time with me, whether it’s sharing a meal together, calling to chat, or simply hanging out. Sometimes it’s frequent, sometimes it’s not. But they’re always a text or phone call away. My friend Larry refers to these as “kidney friends” because they’re the ones who would give you a kidney if you needed it.
I value many other relationships and enjoy interacting with lots of folks. I’m thankful that our paths cross on a regular basis. I’m blessed by their investment in me. They enrich my life also, at least on some level. I hope I do the same for them. And sometimes these are evolving relationships that are in their infancy, or somewhere on the path to becoming true friendships. That’s how our current close friendships came about, isn’t it? Didn’t they start with meeting someone, getting to know them, and, over time, becoming truly close to them?
My closest friends have not always made my life easier. Sometimes they make it harder. They create extra work for me when they need my help. They cause frustration when they don’t measure up to “my” standards. They have offended me when they don’t always agree with me. At times, they annoy me, and yes, they even make me angry. Let me repeat that. The friends I value the most have not made my life easier. But here’s the kicker. If they’re honest, they say the same things about me.
But more importantly, they make my life better. Not just a little better, but immensely better. The good they bring to my life is exponentially more than any negatives I might have listed.
How do they do this? The do it by helping me to be a better me. The encourage me. They challenge me by insisting that I step outside my comfort zone. Sometimes it’s intentional. Sometimes it’s not.
Here are some specific examples:
- One has encouraged me to travel around the world in service to our Savior, teaching me along the way, and taking great care for my safety.
- Another has challenged me to run around a high school track when my legs were screaming for me to stop.
- Still another has forced me to consider opinions that are very different from my own, and has considered mine which are often different from his.
- One has been a strong encourager, reading what I write and encouraging me to write more.
- And another continually looks out for my welfare, and that of my family, never asking anything in return.
Just reading this list makes me realize that I have received much more than I have given.
I read once that God doesn’t create new old friends. Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton recorded a song that said pretty much the same thing. Tom Bodette (you may remember him from the old Motel 6 commercials and “We’ll leave the light on for ya.”) said “You can make a new friend, but you can’t make an old one.”
My favorite song about old friends is the one by Roger Miller, Willie Nelson, and Ray Price. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfTHCwqVs84.
What’s the point of all this? What’s the lesson to be learned? Simply this.
- I need to embrace all the positive relationships in my life, from acquaintances to close friends and everyone in between.
- I need to work harder to nurture these few treasured close friendships. I need to be a better friend to my friends. I need to make time for them, even when I think I’m too busy. It may be nothing more than a phone call this week, and maybe lunch or dinner next week. But it does involve time, and it does involve effort.
- I need to adjust my expectations and expect no more of others than I would be willing to offer of myself. If I’m a true friend, I don’t need to expect as much.
So, today I’m thinking today of that small handful, those few. You know who you are, and I hope you also know that you are loved and appreciated. I hope you’ll forgive me when I haven’t worked as hard to be a friend as I should. I’m going to work harder.