A year or so back, I went to the ALEA Drivers License Examining Office to acquire a Star ID Driver’s License. This specific form of identification is now required for domestic air travel. And while I have a passport which is acceptable for both domestic and international flights, the driver’s license is more convenient since I always carry it with me. Also, there is less chance of losing my passport if I only use it on infrequent flights overseas.
Having scheduled our appointments several months in advance, my wife and I were ready when the day rolled around. We had read the list of required documents, and had those in hand, as well as a few others. I did not have a copy of my birth certificate but did have a “Birth Verification Record.” I didn’t think I would need it, since my passport met the document qualification for that category of identification. I also had to provide my Social Security card along with proof of my current residence. In any case, it was all there.
After a short wait, my wife gets her number called and goes back. A few minutes later, I heard my number and went back to a different window. The office is crowded, so I am sure there is no time for small talk. These people are busy, and I don’t’ want to take up any more of their time than is absolutely necessary.
“Can I have your birth certificate, please?” asks the lady behind the counter.
“I don’t have one, but I do have this,” I reply, handing the small card through the window.
“This is not a birth certificate, sir. You’ll need to go to the Health Department and get a copy of your birth certificate.”
“I realize it’s not a birth certificate, but I have other documents that meet the requirements of each of the three categories.”
“Which categories?”
“The ones on your website. I can show them to you.” I started looking for the website on my phone. I’m getting a little stressed.
“Did the gentleman out front screen your documents?
“No.” This draws a frown.
“What other documents do you have.”
“I have my passport which is supposed to meet the requirements in the same category as a birth certificate.”
“Well, you didn’t give me your passport.”
I reply, “You didn’t…” I wanted to remind her that she neither asked for my passport nor gave me an opportunity to explain. Biting my tongue, I hand over my passport, and nod, forcing a smile.
“Excuse me for a moment.” She leaves her desk and goes to another room, possibly to scan the passport.
She returns. “Sorry about that,” she says with a smile.
I’m not sure if she is apologizing for leaving me unattended, or for the confusion. I simply reply, “No problem.” And again, I force a smile.
The process moves quickly as she confirms a few facts, administers an eye test, and gives me a printout of the information for my review.
Then the conversation begins.
“You’re not retired?” She had obviously seen my age on the documents.
“No ma’am, still working.”
“Aren’t you the owner?”
“Yes, ma’am. But I have an experienced team, and I enjoy what I do, so I’m in no rush to retire.”
“That’s wonderful!”
“Also, my son has joined the company, and I am starting to cut back.”
“I understand. Now you have your passport, so you can travel.”
“True, but that’s my second passport. My first one expired. I have travelled a good bit on mission trips internationally.” I have no idea why I’m telling her this.
“That’s wonderful. Good for you.”
We exchange a few more pleasantries, wish each other a nice day, and I make my way back to my car, paperwork in hand. My wife is waiting, her renewal process has been much faster and less complicated than mine.
As I drive to work, I reflect on what had just happened. What brought about the change in the tone of the conversation? I don’t know, but I am fairly sure of one thing. This conversation had the potential to escalate in a negative way if I had chosen to argue and to correct her instead of biting my tongue. When I did the latter, the conversation stopped being argumentative or confrontational.
I was reminded of the counsel found in the Bible. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1 NASB) That’s wisdom that we all need to listen to and practice. This is an important lesson for me, because my first inclination is to win the argument. I think that’s human nature. And when both parties to a conversation want to win the debate, it invariably leads to conflict. I’ve seen this played out in my own encounters too many times. I’m sure you have as well.
But I’m learning. And the ability to let things go and to let others have their say (and their way) makes this journey of life more pleasant and keeps my blood pressure regulated. I haven’t arrived. I still battle the pride that says I need to be right. But I’m learning that it’s okay when the other person is right. And sometimes it’s better to let them think they are even when you know otherwise.
If it’s hard for you to step back in situations like this, I hope you’re making progress. I hope you’re able to smile, listen, nod, and do whatever is necessary to diffuse a difficult conversation and deal with the other person in a manner that allows both of you to win. That’s what happened on this day. And occasionally, when I use my Star ID driver’s license to board a plane, I’m reminded of the nice woman who had a better day because I chose to step back. At least I hope her day was better. I know mine was.
Here’s to more stepping back and to more positive conversations!